So, this is my first entry since Oct. 08- yikes. To catch
up, the end of 08 was very rough for me emotionally, as G. was on the job
market and I wasn’t handling it very well. I sought therapy and with his acquisition
of not one, but two jobs, things stabilized. I’ve been focusing on living in
the present, not having toooo many “adventures” (although, some, and those will
be forthcoming). But I have been doing a LOT of thinking/reading/digesting of
issues around weight loss, exercise, and ‘fat acceptance.’ Some thoughts,
below:

What I know right now
about my body and it’s ‘overweightness’:

I don’t like to sweat

I enjoy eating healthy, flavorful foods

I enjoy eating really cheesey greasy foods too

I like to feel my body responding to what I ask it to
do/being athletic…

I love to swim, I enjoy riding my
bike, and I even kind of miss running

I dislike this belly pooch I have (no, ma’am, I am not
pregnant)

I hate wearing clothes that are too tight

I dislike the size of my breasts (too big, painful)

I cannot climb the stairs without getting slightly out of
breath

And yet, I have pretty killer legs and cleavage, as a
byproduct of this ‘overweightness’

 

Some things I know for sure:

I will never be a size 6, genetically

I am sexy, regardless of dress size

I have excess body fat, and although it would be less work
and less pressure (oddly enough) to declare myself plus-sized, I don’t think
its true.

I don’t like to exercise, but I miss being an athlete (is
that a paradox)?

 

Some thoughts about my body’s future:

I acknowledge that it will continue to change, with life
events

I acknowledge that I may have to work harder than the
average bear to maintain a healthy weight

I will always fight the tyranny of clothing sizes and BMI
categories

I will not let my size determine my value.

I will stand up against size-ist discrimination that I face
and see others enduring

 

My mother recently told me a very sad tale related to weight
and the effect it had on her life. We used to have a small pontoon fishing boat
we would haul over to the lake on the weekend for a jaunt out on the ‘rough
seas.’ I don’t remember my mother ever going with us and apparently, she did
once. And never again. We went out for a jaunt, a pinic on the far shore, no
doubt and upon pulling into the boat ramp, the Lake Patrol informed us that we
had too much weight in our boat for its size. My mother inferred that they
meant her, and she never went out with my dad, sister and I again. She points
to this story as her one regret about being overweight for the majority of my
childhood, an honestly, as long I could ever remember.

I do wish she could understand, though, as a child, I was never
was bothered or embarrassed by her “overweightness”- to me, it seemed an
extension of her loving and warm personality. Furthermore, I especially value
that she never made disparaging remarks about her weight in front of my sister
and I. I believe the fact that I made it all the way to and through college
without ever going on a diet. Only now as an adult, do I see myself begin to
face down the same issues that my mother has dealt with her whole life (lack of
‘demonizing’ language intentional there). I would like to not have to deal with
being overweight, which largely means a less active motherhood and trouble
finding cute clothes. And while I am committed to eating healthfully and exercising
in an intentional and active manner, if it turns out that I don’t lose the 40
lbs that I gained in grad school, I won’t be crushed. I know myself well enough
to not determine my worth by my clothing size. The example set by my mother,
one of beauty, sensuality, intelligence, curiosity, and generosity is one that
I would be happy to follow, size be damned.

 

 

 

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